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Need to learn how to be strange, clean dirty sneakers or host a Hawaiian party? You're in luck. Stop by WikiHow, I guarantee you will be a better person for it.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us now have a touch of metrosexuality in our veins.  Whether you wear lip balm, get “pedis,” or watch Sex and the City by yourself, there’s practically nothing you can do to avoid this stigma anymore.  So why not embrace it by introducing a skincare regimen into your routine?  It’s easy, and the ladies will love you.  Think Axe Body Spray commercial without the lethal fumes and crippling hangover after application.

*Now, this is a very basic rundown, as there is a myriad of products out there for your ugly mug. But for our purposes, basic = good. If you're serious about it, though, you should research a little on your own. Primarily, find out what skin type you were blessed (cursed?) with, so that you can get products that are more suited to your needs.  Everything you need can be found on MenEssentials (products, guides, etc.).

In the world of facial health, there is a holy trinity: cleanse, tone, moisturize. Add these three simple steps to your morning routine and you'll be set.

1) Cleanse

Duh. This is the simplest of all the steps, and you probably already do it anyway. The key here is choosing the right soap for your face. You don't want something that's too drying and strips away essential oils, but you also don't want your face glistening like a tub of baby oil at Covergirls on fight night. Balance is key. The Glycerin Cleansing Bar from Anthony Logistics is a good place to start.

2) Tone

Few guys are familiar with this one.  Toning takes cleansing one step further by removing the dirt and build-up that mere soap can’t tackle while evening out the complexion.  Apply toner after shaving to get rid of that excess goo your shaving cream and razor leave behind.  It’s also important to strike the proper balance here.  Look for something that suits your skin type (i.e. for sensitive skin, oily skin, dry skin, etc.). Try Sharps’ Daily Prep Skin Tuner.

3) Moisturize

This one’s the kicker.  It’s the one that scared me the most, since I have relatively oily skin, but turns out it’s the most important.  A proper moisturizer will keep your face looking youthful by attacking wrinkles and protecting it from other harmful crap.  The Oil Free Moisterizer from Baxter of California is just what the doctor ordered.

From here you can add other products and steps at your discretion.  Throw in a good face scrub twice a week (a personal favorite is the Face Buff Energizing Scrub by Jack Black), or use a clear shaving gel that won’t clog your pores and allows you to actually see the hair you’re shaving.  The possibilities really are endless.

Andrew Bird
Noble Beast
2009 Fat Possum

In "Anonanimal," my favorite track so far from Andrew Bird's awaited and satisfying new record, he manages to compress all of the exciting elements of his music and wordplay into one tune very well. Let's look at those layers briefly: The title suggests anonymity, a disappearing human like one worker bee in New York City or something like that. Yet in the song he sets himself apart from nature "red in tooth and claw" by calling out a "sea anemone, and that'll be the death of me," and he turns later to saying he will "become this animal/perfectly adapted to music halls...a non-animal," and this turn of phrase seems to decry now the losing touch with our natural sides for the sake of high-class ideas. Yet in the midst of all of this zoology, he launches us back to a small moment with the moment of radio surfing in the car: "hold on just a second/I know this one..."

The haunting, dark flow of the filtered violins and acoustic guitar lends a sense of foreboding to the entire tune, even when the pops of the snappy percussion come in midway through the song. Something is amiss with even being human, or something is amiss with the world around us, and who knows what it actually is, buried in all of this whimsy.

The key to fully absorbing Andrew Bird is to take the whole picture in, and let it confuse when it does, let it make sense when it does, whether lyrically or musically, in his wild blend of chamber pop and semi-throwback rock and folk. He understands that language has a sound itself, that words are valuable for their signifiers and also their sounds in themselves. Glottals are toms and bass drums, sibilance is a cymbal crashing, and palatals are snare drums.

Which brings us to the new record, Noble Beast. As I have not had too much time to soak with it, who knows how it will shape the rest of the year, but I do have to say the immediate picture I get from it is one of a whole "sound," or "style" within the confines of the one album, rather than the long distance changes of temperature and timbre from Armchair Apocrypha, which I loved.

So it lends Noble Beast both a warm, round sound, full of classic sounds, much less of Dosh's more electronic layers, and more of the washes of percussion. The violin still holds a prominent place, even more so on this record than the last, but there is also more of a sense of rock and roll happening, in a vintage sense. Less melodic guitar shows up, like the odd runs from older songs like "Skin Is, My," and "Plasticities," and more rhythm guitar abounds.

I cannot decide yet if this then makes Noble Best feel more like a monochromatic album than one with simply a coherent style within its own borders. Whatever the case, Noble Beast is well worth the listen, and for fans it will be an exciting and valuable journey along some of the most mature and complete feeling tunes Andrew has written yet.

Oscar nominations dropped last week, so let's take a brief but all-encompassing look at the awards that anyone really actually cares about.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

This one barely makes the cut, because most people don't even really care about best actress (or the fact that Meryl Streep is the winningest nominee ever, any gender). But with a female Secretary of State it's only fitting we pay homage to the ladies.

Of the 5 nominees I've seen a grand total of 0 minutes of any one of the four films the actresses have been nominated from. Judging by history, movies with 2 actresses nominated in this same category typically don't win. So this is not the year for Amy Adams or Viola Davis. This award rarely goes to that out of nowhere sensation, so that more or less rules out Taraji P. Henson.

So that leaves us with Marisa Tomei and Penelope Cruz. Due to the fact that The Wrestler is hitting buzz stage right now... I'm going with Tomei.

My prediction: Marisa Tomei

Actor in a Supporting Role:

This category has a major fastball in Robert Downey Jr. Everyone knows the Academy takes themselves super seriously, and the inclusion of a strictly comedy performance rarely, if ever graces the noms. In fact, the last true comedy to have an actor nominated was City Slickers, and somehow Jack Palance won.

In this case, I've seen each film except the aforementioned Doubt. Michael Shannon doesn't have enough screen time to earn the nod. Brolin was solid, as always, but nothing really screamed award about his performance. I can't speak for Hoffman, though he's always good. Between the final two of Ledger and Downey Jr. I think the academy follows suit with the Golden Globes and Heath wins the award.

My Prediction: Heath Ledger

Actress in a Leading Role:

This award is such a mixed bag. Of late it seems to be rewarding a fast rising star (mostly): Marion Cotillard, Reese Witherspoon, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry. Anne Hathaway and Melissa Leo both fit this mold, unfortunately neither star in films that enough people will see to really garner them recognition. Streep is there... always will be. Though she's been nominated several times, I don't think anyone takes Angelina Jolie seriously as an actress... I've yet to be proven wrong.

Interestingly that leaves us with Kate Winslet, who won the Golden Globe for best actress... but for a different performance.

My Prediction: Kate Winslet

Actor in a Leading Role:

No explanation necessary. Mickey Rourke. Role of a lifetime. Crazy ass story. He's gonna win.

My Prediction: Mickey Rourke


Best Director:

I like the mixed bag of candidates for this award. All have done some truly fantastic work and all are really distinctly different types of directors. Van Sant typically sticks to more obscure, smaller budget films. Howard on the other hand is the king of the realist blockbuster. Fincher is known for his tales of corrupted humanity. Boyle is all over the map genre-wise. Daldry excels in the serious, moral dramas with sexual undertones.

In this case, Slumdog is just carrying too much momentum to be denied.

My Prediction: Danny Boyle

Best Picture:

Coincidentally, the 5 Best Pictures are the films from the 5 Best Directors. I will save my extended praise for my prediction for a later date, but as I previously mentioned, I have a hard time imagining that Slumdog will do any less than complete it's mercurial rise with the illustrious Best Picture award.

My Prediction: Slumdog Millionaire

The lights are dimmed. The fog machines are cranked to 11. Roadies franticly duct tape mic chords to the ground.  This is the night you have waited for…until, WFT?? An ice-cold bud light (or any domestic beer, we don’t discriminate) streams down your neck and back. Great, there goes the vintage tee that you specifically ordained to be apart of this night.  The show is over (for you) before it begins thanks to some jackass and his butterfingers. Hopefully The Dixie Chicks don’t see you as you take the walk of shame to the exit.

Attending a show (or “concert”, we will use show for our purposes) is more than just standing there listening to music. You are assigned a very important task upon entering the venue. Ready? Here is it. DON’T RUIN THE SHOW FOR ANYONE ELSE! As simple as this seems, many people struggle to keep themselves and their cold ones in check. Save yourself the embarrassment and remember the following rules:

If you are tall, do not stand in the front. Sorry, looks like we do discriminate. I know it’s not your fault…but it doesn’t matter. Do us all a favor and stand in the back or on the sides…or kneel.

If you plan on enjoying some ice-cold refreshment, BE CAREFUL. Drink enough so you feel good, but put on the brakes beyond that. No one wants to see your beer hurled at them while you are giggling hysterically.

Do NOT yell at the band while they’re onstage. When the band is done with a song, the last thing they or anyone else wants to hear is you test out your newfound drunk confidence. To the guy who yelled, “Did they make you chip in for gas?” to the opening band for Death Cab for Cutie, you suck. I’ve been waiting 3 years to tell you that.

Have some sort of knowledge of who you are seeing and what songs they play. Nothing is more annoying than, “Hey, what song is this?”, “Hey, what was this song again?” “Sorry, but I don’t remember what you just said, what is the name of the song that the band on stage is currently playing?” “Wait, what band is this? Where are they from? What song is this?”

See, that wasn’t so hard.  You’ll be not pissing people off in no time!

*please disregard the list when attending a show by this band.

"Dude, I didn't pick this. It's on random"
"Well then why the f**k do you have it on your computer?"
"G.P."

if you've ever had this conversation with a friend, know this: you are not alone. like many others, i've reached a breaking point in my relationship with my itunes library. this is the make or break part of the relationship where the library either straightens up, or i send my musical concubines packing. it's not even itunes itself. it's the sum of the parts. as i am typing this, "phil collins - against all odds", is playing, randomly. is this really necessary? why would i want to listen to phil collins when there is a slew of new music that deserves my attention. i incessantly curate my itunes library, but only in a punctuational, grammatical way, not a varsity/JV/your-ass-is-cut way. this needs to change. i hope the 5 steps i offer can be implemented to impact your library in a positive way. i hope these steps serve to squelch the frustration associated with maintaining a listenable library, while facilitating your musical maturation process, in the process. and i hope you note that this post is not intended to berate or belittle any artist, or the music they crappily create. i've come to realize that not every band/artist/style of music is for everyone, and that is fine. so i am not here to tell you who or what to keep on board your sonic ship. if you're anything like me, chances are your music acquisition modus operandi has been dominated by a quantity over quality mantra for some time now. in my case, a 2008 new year's resolution had me gunning for 10K songs before the year was out. maybe you had similar aspirations. i made it, but was i a lesser listener because of it? of course. the shear volume of songs in my possession clouded my ability for musical recall of such albums that are worth the listen i oft forget about. albums such as "dodos - visiter", haphazardly lost in a vast sea of uninspiring and tired music. the time for change has come. brethren, we have sojourned through our own ragtime dark ages only to behold the musical renaissance and resurgence that is uncheck/transfer/delete.

preamble aside, legitimate questions forefront. how many times have you responded when questioned about your listening tendencies of so and so by saying "no, but i've been wanting to." what's stopping you? a year ago my answer would have been Harry Chapin, or Rage Against the Machine. yeah, 90's alt rock was sweet and all, but for me, there is a time and place for them, like say, 1995. now i say new, bad ass music is stopping me from listening to new, bad ass stuff i've been meaning to listen to. after a few minor steps / library reflection, you could be saying this too. i see a few potential outcomes of personal library reflection, with differing degrees of polarity. some are dramatic in their extremity; some are not. the first option i propose is to simply "uncheck" blocks of music that you wish to exclude from your existing randomly playable song population. doing so will get the message across, "bon jovi - we need to listen to other people," but still gives you the "if we're both forty and haven't found the band we like" option. the second option is a tad more harsh: transference to an external hard drive. if you have this luxury, it is an extremely viable option. if one day you're in the mood for Sir-Mix-A-Lot, then just grab that hard drive and jump on it. this also ensures that you will have secondary copy of your crappier music in case your computer crashes. the last option is the most hardcore: deletion. deletion frees you from the musical shackles that once hindered your musical maturation process. it absolves you from the 80's hair bands and early 2k's mtv pop that once dominated your musical sphere. now how do you go about choosing what to uncheck, transfer, or delete? the following 5 steps will guide you. just remember, it's a personal choice.

1) if you have music that reminds you of who you used to be, and you do not like who you used to be, get rid of it. you can be all that you can be, if you want to be, who you want to be. whatever. the army says so, kanye west says so, and i say so.

2) if you tell yourself, oh i'll get into them one day, odds are you won't. deal with it. just remember, you have three options at your disposal. uncheck. transfer. delete. you make the call.

3) some albums maintain high critical stature in the current music scene. take "Muse" for example. i don't particularly care for their music, but that doesn't stop them from regularly being one of the most listened to bands on last.fm. i am going to keep them, unchecked. future people i may encounter, that become active in my life may want to show me a song on "Absolution". for this reason, i see potential hidden social value in music i acquire. when you are determining the fate for many of your artists, this reasoning may come in handy.

4) use the genius playlist. it will mesh current artists with other similar artists (generically speaking), you most likely have forgotten about. this will help you regain control of your library. your library will play songs using both LIFO and FIFO methods of play. this step is a must.

5) check out playcounts. less than five plays for a single album, yet you've had the album five years? you know what it's gotta be.

believe me, you do not want the Macarena to play randomly when you're hosting a Super Bowl party; i've been there. pruning your music library makes sure musical mood killing music doesn't creep up on you when you least expect it, or even when you do expect it. and when that happens, it's a super sonic-sized kick to the balls. a wise man once said "the unexamined library is not worth listening." or something to that extent. so go, examine. listen. curate. and remember that you are the decider of which method to employ: uncheck/transfer/delete.

Talk about a tale of two cities (actually days). On the 21st, Apple announced a record quarter. One day later, Microsoft depresses the hell out of everyone with news of a 5% workforce reduction. Let me get this straight...in the same economy, in the same industry, in many of the same specialized sectors, Apple adopts W’s “what recession?” mentality while Microsoft fast tracks it’s 'softies to the soup lines? You’re joking...right? Wrong.

For some reason, Stevie Ballmer’s comments about the iPhone are playing on repeat in my head - “we have our strategy” yada yada yada “you can get a Motorola Q phone now for 99 dollars” yada yada yada “it’ll do music. it’ll do, uh, internet. it’ll do email. it’ll do instant messaging.” Sure Steve, it sure will - except when it is sitting on store shelves.  His comments are a direct reflection of what the tech giant is all about these days, living off the past. What has Microsoft done lately? Hm…let me think…

Vista = disaster.

Zune – just pissed off its last remaining faithful with the Dec 31 freeze.

Xbox – red ring of death, anyone?

Seriously MSFT. Seriously.

The crucial mistake Bill and Steve B. made was the same mistake Dell made - taking the “cool” factor out of the products (or never having it to begin with). Windows Mobile is not an experience; it is a means to an end. Need to send email? Okay. We’ll just make the most unattractive, most boring, most unfriendly user interface possible because after all, you only care about sending email.

If Apple has done anything, they have shown companies what tech consumers want. Even in turbulent economic times people are willing to swipe their cards to get the latest Apple products because they want an experience and they want it in a neat, aesthetically pleasing package. Need to send email? Okay. We’ll just make a keyboard pop out of the bottom of a screen here.

We will see how long Apple can keep this up but for now they have turned the bad economy into a money-tree growing right in the heart of 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, CA. 

Just for good measure...

There are two, very upfront things about this book that might turn you off:

 1. The cover – 80’s interpretation of what the future looks like mixed in with a good dose of L. Ron Hubbard ridiculousness (think “Battlefield Earth” staring John Travolta)

2. The placement – if you go into your local bookstore to purchase you will be directed to the Science Fiction section. Tell the 400 pound sweaty guy wearing a black Microsoft t-shirt to scoot over.

It’s time to grow up and enjoy the finer things in life. Keystone light was fine in college but you’re an adult now. Show your class and sophistication by whipping up delicious foods with ease. Enter Risotto, the loud mouthed Italian brother of steamed white rice. It isn’t difficult to make but it will require some patience (30 minutes worth). 

Here is a sample recipe. Make it a few times and feel free to experiment.

Ingredients:

1 cup Arborio Rice

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/2 cup dry white wine

4 cups chicken (or vegetable) broth

1/4 cup water

1/2 cup diced white onion

3/4 cup Parmesan cheese

handful of sliced mushrooms

1.  Add the olive oil and onions to a large saucepan. Cook on medium heat for about 4 minutes.

2.  Add the rice and stir, making sure all the rice is coated with the oil. Cook rice until edges turn semi translucent.

3.  Add the white wine, stir and let the rice absorb it completely.

4.  Add the broth a 1/2 cup at a time. Stir occasionally and wait until the rice absorbs the broth before adding the next 1/2 cup (should take about 3 minutes per 1/2 cup).

5.  After 2 cups of broth have been added, stir in the mushrooms (or asparagus and lemon zest) with a 1/4 cup of water, wait until absorbed and then continue to add the remaining 2 cups of broth 1/2 cup at a time.

6.  After all the broth has been absorbed (should take roughly 30 minutes), remove from the heat and stir in the cheese. Salt and pepper to taste.

It’s that simple. Serve with some Tilapia and you are bound to get _____ (insert verb here). Substitute vegetable broth for chicken broth and make a vegetarian happy.

So you’re looking for some audiophile headphones, but you’re all out of plasma to sell.  I’ve been there.  I get it.  The good news is that premium sound doesn’t have to come with a premium price tag, and the fine people at Grado can prove it.  At less than $70, these retro beauties are certified badass and have been laden with awards for years, achieving an almost legendary status.  Nothing has ever sounded so crisp, full, and rich.  The SR60s will breathe life into Hendrix like you’ve never experienced.  Plug ‘em in and listen to Red House – you’ll see what I mean.

Lykke Li
Youth Novels
2008
LL Recordings
www.lykkeli.com

I stumbled onto the music of Lykke Li through a YouTube video featuring the members of her band and Bon Iver performing her tune "Dance Dance Dance" in Los Angeles near a fountain, with various La Blogotheque-style percussion bits an her odd dancing over a sweetly naive tune about expressing oneself through dance. It was the moment when her melody as she sang "words can never make up for what you do" took a soulful dive, unexpected and brilliant, that I began to be intruiged by the Swedish indie popper.

As I dived into her debut album, I was both caught by and pleased with the oddly organic production by Bjorn Yttling of Peter, Bjorn, and John, Kanye's favorite Swedes. The vintage engineering on their most recent collection is present somewhat, yet the open and live feel of Youth Novels lends a folk glow to the firmly pop tunes. "Little Bit," with its sly declarations of obsession and faithfulness to a lover, ending with the clever understatement "I'm a little bit in love with you..." illustrates Lykke's skill in blending Feist-like sugary melody with an edge of 60s or 70s American soul and doo-wop.

Lykke's unbeguiling lilt of a voice is still the centerpiece of the album, weaving hooks all around the simple and dancey arrangements. It is an easy listen, but the depth of the style saves it from too much kitsch, while also embracing the simple joys of light, unironic pop music. She falls on the indier side of a new wave of intelligent and stylish female front-women, with great producers and smart tunes, like Feist, El Perro Del Mar, St. Vincent, and even more pop folks like Estelle and the like.

I finally had a chance to play around with a Blackberry Storm today. Maybe I had high expectations. Maybe it was the fact that it has been called Blackberry’s iPhone killer.  My very scientific experiment didn’t last long, but the results were conclusive. Here are two things that really pissed me off about this tragedy of a device:

1. Clickable Screen – that’s right Jim Halpert, the screen actually does click. Great idea Blackberry. The only problem is that’s what it should have remained, an idea. Between soft clicks, hard clicks & menus that are as fluid as the game play of Oregon Trail, the touch screen is a disaster. The lag between click and action will give you plenty of time to figure out why you didn’t just go with an iPhone.
2. WiFi – yes, the 3G network is fast. Well, I’ll just say it is faster than Edge. If I don’t seem that enthusiastic about it, it’s because that’s the fastest this phone will go. You will not find a feature to turn on wifi because it isn’t equipped. How a company can come out with a “smart phone” and not include this is beyond me. Once again, too much time spent on the click screen.

The main problem with the Storm is that it is a Blackberry minus a physical keyboard, nothing more.  Besides the redesign of the main menus, the software is the exact same. You’re bogged down with the function before form bullshit that makes you want to use a landline instead. The iPhone (Jesus Phone) works because the software caters to the hardware. Blackberry should have constructed an operating system specifically for the Storm…but I’m sure R&D was tied up with the wonderful clicking screen (refer to point 1).

Okay, maybe it isn’t that bad. Wait, what am I saying, yes it is.  

A "major" artist, and an "indie" artist. Considered.


Gemma Hayes
The Hollow Of Morning
2007 Second Motion
myspace.com/gemmahayes2006


Mercury Prize nominee and Meteor Award winning songstress Gemma Hayes' first two albums swung her well-layered tunes from one end of the spectrum to the other, well, the spectrum of Irish songwriter folk rock, that is.
Night On My Side (which I first heard while driving in Northern Ireland along a beach) was loose and noisy, but full of Hayes' whispery melody over a bed of spacious guitars.

Her second work, The Roads Don't Love You was a great blend of cleaner production (from Beck's often-drummer Joey Waronker), and aching songs, weary of early adulthood.

Which brings us to The Hollow Of Morning, her most balanced work yet. With guitar help from My Bloody Valentine's Kevin Shields, this collection of songs still draws deep from the well of songwriter folk, but Hayes' silver bullets have always been her haunting, carelessly smooth voice, and her proclivity to take the band underneath it all to real places of ambient rock, lo-fi pop, with a real sense of indie production. The depth of the production helps her to avoid too-maudlin territory well-handled by Damien Rice and The Swell Season, but keeps her in a little more wide-angled place.



The album kicks off with the little girl sing-song vocals of "This Is What You Do," a folky shuffle dotted with ambient guitars and random synth flourishes, all unhurried and thoughtful. From there the songs cycle back and forth from quiet and roomy folk ("Chasing Dragons," "January 14th") to poppy indie rock, culminating in the arching expanse of "Home," with its simple, yearning chorus of "this is home..."

The record ends with the patient, well-layered "At Constant Speed," a great closing with its assurance of moving on from a painful place: "I'm beginning to forget you/ I just see an outline..." Its quiet electronics are warm and wide, and slowly build into an almost M83-like crescendo of synths and electronic piano.

Hayes has always flown a little under the radar in the States, despite being featured on Grey's Anatomy, and mentioned in a Counting Crows tune (she's the "songbird of Ballyporeal (her hometown) in "Washington Square"). Yet this record deserves attention from both the main thrust of pop music and the indie world, as her quality and aesthetic straddle both streams well, and by now she has amassed a great collection of songs, unpretentious, and always interesting.

-----




Dosh
Wolves And Wishes
2008 Anticon

Martin Dosh, rhythmic powerman behind Andrew Bird, as he is usually known, released a small brilliance in 2008, and the sad thing is, many would not notice unless they paid particular attention to Andrew Bird, or saw Dosh open for the crazy/amazing Anathallo this past year.

Wolves and Wishes is a colleciton of almost entirely instrumental jams featuring Dosh's imaginative drumming layered under and over a cornucopia of instruments acoustic and electronic. While Anticon is known as a label of indie-minded hip hop and electronic music, Dosh doesn't fit easily into that sort of category. Indeed, two external considerations both enhance and change the reception of this music into your ears.

The first is that of Anticon and the electronic label itself. The great value of these tunes is found in the tension between the delicate acoustic instruments (such as Andrew Bird's violin in the manic "If You Want To, You Have To"), and the raucous electric guitars, percussion, banged-on Rhodes, swathes of noise, and chiming bells that dot the entire record. It doesn't feel particularly "electronic," like anything of an 80's throwback, or a proper dance band. It also doesn't feel like hip-hop in almost any sense, save for the emphasis on drums, and it feels more like what Allmusic describes as "the hip-hop equivalent of post-rock."

The second thing to consider the music with is the startling live-ness of the whole creation process for Martin Dosh. This video shows him at work on one tune from the record, "Capture The Flag." To picture this music being performed in all of its complexity and blend of live and pre-made, samplers and drum kit, guitars and violins...well, it is impressive and impossible all at once.



The reward and cost of the music is that being both instrumental, and lacking the traditional hooks and melodies, it is often a difficult listen. The danger of appreciating this as visceral and not particularly emotive is always present, and I would love to see Dosh balance these forms in the future. Yet for now, it is a reward indeed to mine the moments of loveliness and breath from the deep channels of groove and noise embedded in Wolves and Wishes.

Today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced he will be taking a medical leave of absence until June ’09 due to some “more complex” health issues (confirming what everyone already knew). This news arrives weeks after Jobs made a statement saying his weight loss was due to a “hormone imbalance” and that everything is under control. Job’s health concerns resurfaced last year when an extra “thin” Steve debuted the extra “thin” MacBook Air at Macworld ’08.

Steve is very cautious about releasing information regarding his health (see pancreatic cancer) and it’s giving everyone a scare. As the rock star of the technology industry, Apple appears to needs Jobs like a lineman needs a meatball sub. For whatever reason Apple’s board continues to let mystery surround Jobs and his health issues, letting the stock take a big hit every time a new rumor surfaces. A person’s health is a private matter except when you are the CEO of Apple.

In my opinion, Apple should move while it is at the height of its game and ask Steve to step down as CEO while retaining him as a strategic consultant (don’t get me wrong, I love Steve and am indebted to him forever for his wonderful gadgetry). This would give Jobs a chance to focus on his health without being questioned at every corner.  Sure, there would be a huge short-term shock. Investors would be terrified and the stock would plummet. Zune lovers everywhere (are there any Zune lovers?) would rejoice. The other Steve (Ballmer) would tell his “WEBDEVELOPERS!” full speed ahead. But let’s face it, Apple functions in a corporate world that revolves around investor's expectations. The actions of a CEO can either bolster or diminish the value of a company (believe me, I know). I think investors expect Jobs to have some major health problems. If he truly does, Apple should either confirm this once and for all or let it be their downfall.

Steve stepping down can’t be that bad with Apple’s operations guru Tim Cook heir apparent to the throne. So what, maybe he isn’t as creative. His operational prowess has allowed Apple to basically knock on people’s doors and take their money. Anyone who thinks Apple’s success is based solely off a good product and smart marketing is wrong. Lowering costs while maintaining high profit margins is the name of the technology game. Earlier adopters are willing to pay a premium for new gadgets but the rest of the world isn’t. If they can reduce the cost of a laptop by $300, but then lower the price by $200, everyone wins.

As micro managerial as Jobs is reported to be, I think the company has created an image and a path forward that a blind monkey could follow. With Apple revolutionizing several different industries they have learned what works (iPod, iPhone & iTunes) and what doesn’t (Apple TV, G4 Cube & Newton). It’s time for the rest of the stars at Apple to show what they're made of. For better or for worse, it will happen soon – Will Apple do it on their terms or someone elses?

the list is somewhat arbitrary. yes, some are being released, but some won't be. we wish they would be. but they won't. comments?

10. The Flaming Lips (June '09ish?) - wayne coyne mentioned they're doing the follow up as we blog. my only appeal to wayne: please do something not about pagan holidae's on other planets or children movies that your target audience doesn't watch. my capacity of neutering nuclear bombs by singing the yeah x3 song has long since been exhausted. we need space exploration, the longing of universal oneness, and robotic interbreeding. they are the pride of my hometown, for sure, but they're verging on corporate whoredom: og&e, dell, apple, mitsubishi. i'm guessing they're playing musical robin hood, but still, give me some bass and a beat i can vibe with. that's all i ask.

9. U2 - No Line on the Horizon (03.03.09) - bottom line: there will some decent songs on this album. yes, they live and die by the rule of 3 bad songs per 1 really good song (see u2 library 1950-present), but come on, bono is a good guy. we should all aspire to be bonolike (sunglasses + 1). the edge redefined the guitar after gilmour and page beat rock to death. perhaps he'll do it again? throw in larry mullen, jr. and adam clayton and you've got an album. should be a feel good joint for '09.

8. Outkast - (possibly '09?) what happened to these guys? speakerboxxx/the love below was the musical shock & awe of '03. i'm not quite sure what happened after the initial surge. film projects? solo albums? just get together and do the damn thing for god's sake. they owe the public, right? how could two dudes, so fresh and so clean, hold out by holing up in john varvatos and yves saint laurent's closet for so long? get the broom's out. another grammy sweep is coming. hopefully.

7. The Boy Least Likely To - The Law of the Playground (03.03.09) - i've been waiting for this one for some time now. the time for twee pop to reign supreme has come. it's so damn cute, but it's so damn bad ass at the same time. how can two such polarities coexist on one album? it's paradoxical for sure, but they do it, and do it well. if you don't believe me, check out "Monsters" from the Best Party Ever (2005).

6. Nickelback - psyche. yea sure, i like your pants around your knees was catchy and all, and it was very nice of you to still say please, but come on, we need more than blatant sexual superficiality. perhaps they'll venture into the jungian subconscious and consider the possibilities of the noosphere on their new album. i'd say odds of that are good to quite good.

5. Morrissey - Years of Refusal (02.16.09) - moz can still bring it. his '06 release, ringleader of the tormentors, was straight up moz. lot's of killing, lots of questionable familial relationships, and lots of ambiguous sexuality. maybe in '09 he can redefine himself, expound on his cosmic views (see right arm tat), and drop a solid, sonically pleasing joint. i would expect nothing less from the mozness, and more would be welcomed.

4. M.I.A. - (wishful thinking '09) - maybe if her boy toy hadn't knocked her up she could release paper planes part deux, a jam we all could rock mid '09, complete with ak's instead of glock's. pineapple express 2 could drop, heath ledger would cease to be dead, and slap bracelets would be hot again. true, i may be mincing my decades, but the truth remains: m.i.a. is awesome. we want her music. we want her shades, her body, and her baby.

3. Dr. Dre - Detox (possibly finally '09) - suburban kiddos intrigued by the gangster lifestyle have been waiting for this joint to drop since the chronic: 2001 hit the streets in '99 (ten years gone! WTF?!?) no doubt true gangster's will love it too. dre is hard ass, and will always be hard ass. '08 was particularly rough for dre, culminating with the loss of his son, but perhaps '09 will offer redemption for dre in the form of public recognition of his bad ass gangster beats. and no we have not forgotten about dre, as em so eloquently punctuated.

2. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion (01.20.09) - so weird. yet they do so weird so well. their appeal is not as broad as the number one's sound, but those who listen to a.c. tend to really love what they hear. i know, i know, it's leaked. but what's the fun of premature listening? i don't play just the tip with my music. it's all or nothing with me. this one's sure to redefine up and coming band sounds, a la OK Computer, and that might be a good thing. pitchfork already threw a 9.6 on this bitch. could be a big year for the baltimoreans.

1. Andrew Bird - Noble Beast (01.20.09) - big prediction: bird's 09 album is going to catapult him into a stratosphere of music that only the likes of beck, rh and coldplay currently occupy. he's gonna get big. letterman can't even house him anymore. i see madison square spilling over with eager fans. bird's name will become synonymous with bad ass, but not in a hard ass way. whistling will be recognized as the most ubiquitous musical enterprise readily available to humans, schools will be established in his name, cities erected, etc. it's gonna be hot. go get it.

Beyond the simple entertainment of sport and the ritualistic following sports fans upkeep on a week-to-week basis, there is another, perhaps greater, aspect that we can't help either love/hate. These would be the oft-errantly mesmerizing concoctions of such bombastic qualities we fans can't help but snicker (or gasp, depending on the ridiculousness).

So let's take a moment to review some of the best sports quotes of 2008 (in no particular order).

1) "The coaching staff is in place."

-Jerral "Jerry" Jones, Owner, Dallas Cowboys

There's really no way to describe this masterpiece other that to say watch this.

The great humor of the whole ordeal lies squarely in the astounding ass beating the Cowboys received just days later. If Jerry seemed flabbergasted here, I can't imagine his reaction during that massacre.

2) "Michelle, you look good tonight girl... you lookin' good."

-Kevin Garnett, Power Forward, NBA Champion Boston Celtics

So let me get this straight, after 13 years of playing with a mostly inept Timberwolves squad, KG finally ends up on a star-studded winner which just so happens to be one of the most storied franchises in NBA history, and standing proud as a victorious champion with Queen blaring in the background, he has time to notice and comment on how Michelle Tafoya looks? Oh well, not even that can top Joe Willie Namath.

3) "Lebron James! With no regard for human life!"

-Kevin Harlan, NBA Play-by-play commentator, TNT

This little gem was dropped in our laps after an audacious dunkification by King James himself. Apparently, being able to blow by defenders in a pair of high tops and soar above the rim before stuffing a round, inflated piece of leather into a metal hoop with a small sheer curtain dangling from it now couples you with such geniuses of malevolence as Adolph Hitler, Ted Bundy, Osama Bin Laden, and the Bush formerly known as President.

4) "First of all, I want to thank Tiger for not being here. That always makes things a little bit easier."

-Sergio Garcia, PGA Golfer

Is it any wonder why Tiger Woods wins everything? The other golfers are obviously terrified of the man. Garcia, here quoted after winning the Players Championship, is simply thrilled at the notion that Tiger is nowhere to be seen.

Hey Serg, if you don't want Tiger on tour, go Shane Stant on his ass and hope you don't whale up like Tonya Harding.

5) "If you don’t, OK. If you do, OK. Then you’re really a great player. If you don’t, you’re just a solid, good player, and I’ll have to deal with that, not you guys. That’s just part of the job."

-Tony Romo, Starting QB, Dallas Cowboys

As a stand alone this quote means nothing. In context it's a brilliant illustration of why exactly Romo becomes Blowmo when it matters most. This would be TR's response to the importance of winning. Sure, he's got a balanced perception of the world and it's nice to know he's not going on a suicidal binge drinking fest following the season. But you just don't say this. Especially not after you just played terrible on the way to getting your ass kicked right out of the playoffs... and you were pre-season Superbowl favorites.


In the end there's probably 50 more that deserve mention. 2009 should be even better... I can't wait for Rickey Henderson's Hall of Fame acceptance speech...

Over the years I've come to form a love/hate relationship with that all-powerful, all-knowing "social networking" web-demon that is the Facebook. I love to hate it. What's not to hate? 98% of the people I'm linked to aren't even my friends. Yet whenever I log on I find myself strangely engrossed in their lives, clicking around like a blood-starved zombie for hours on end. Of course, this is news to no one. And, as with all things in life, there comes a point when it's time to trim the fat (I’m not talking about that New Year’s resolution you’ve already given up). No, this is much more effective. Much more entertaining. Much more… necessary. Meat Whopper Sacrifice (pun intended).

Whopper Sacrifice is an application that allows you to effectively extinguish those people you’re connected to on Facebook that you no longer find friend-worthy. As an added bonus, Burger King will pay you to sacrifice said “friends” with a free Whopper. All it takes is an online connection, ten expendable friends, and balls of steel. Because when you’re staring at the profile pic of the guy-you-met-at-your-roommate’s-cousin’s-girlfriend’s-labpartner’s-house-party-two-years-ago-and-haven’t-spoken-to-since and it’s about to go up in flames, you’d better be ready.

Let's be honest, you make horrible coffee at home. Now that we have that out of the way, I'll tell you that it's not your fault. Most North Americans are used to seeing coffee dibble from a microwave sized drip brewer. Accompanying this counter top space waster is a big 'ol can of Folger's coffee grounds. When combined, you are guaranteed hell in a cup.