CarbonStated

T.O. inks with Bills

Warning: Some content may be objectionable to those who have a tenderness to certain "curse" words.

Terrell Owens was released from the Dallas Cowboys today after 3 tumultuous years which included a “suicide attempt”, a crying defense of his “quarterback” and an open feud with Jason Garrett, his “quarterback,” and his “quarterback’s” butt buddy.
Despite being the ripe age of 36, Owens is always in peak physical condition and despite a nagging hamstring, he rarely has any injury problems. Catching 10 TDs last season and racking up over 1,000 yards, the move was hardly based on lack of production. So the question then becomes: Where does T.O. G.O.?
Well, there are a handful of teams you can logically exclude immediately: Cowboys, Eagles, Vikings (head coach was Eagles offensive coordinator during Owens tenure), 49ers (even multiple regime changes aren’t likely to fade his time there into history), Dolphins (no way, no how with Parcells in charge), Colts and Steelers (he doesn’t fit their m.o.), and Cardinals (set at receiver).
Of the remaining 24 teams which don’t have personal or personnel issues with signing Owens, there is another group which likely cannot offer the amount of money Owens would command. Owens previous contract brought in a whopping 8.5 mil a year, a figure he won’t likely be able to duplicate anywhere else. However, his price tag won’t be much lower due to his clout. Also, because Owens is 36, he won’t likely want to sign a multi-year, back-loaded contract, which would make the most fiscal sense for teams with payroll issues. Additionally, these teams aren’t likely to want to fork over gobs of guaranteed money to a guy who is not only a proven liability, but an aging, proven liability. This eliminates the Washington Redskins, who are 4.9 million over the salary cap. The Redskins make a lot of sense from a football standpoint (division rival to both the Cowboys and Eagles, need for a big-time receiver, good, young QB who can get the ball downfield), but financially, they probably just can’t hack it. The Raiders at $653,000 under, the Buccaneers at $5.1 mil under, the Titans at $6.2 mil under and the Chiefs at $7.3 mil under, all also likely fall into this category. Though Owens to the Raiders would be one of those beautiful, enigmatic Al Davis signings.
That whittles the list to a slim 19 teams. Of the remaining 19, a handful can be eliminated from a strictly football standpoint. The Seahawks recent signing of TJ Houshmandzadeh likely deflates their interest. The Bengals can barely handle Chad Johnson, so I seriously doubt they would take much interest in yet another PR and locker room headache. The Broncos still have Brandon Marshall, despite his pending legal problems, so they seem set at WR. The Lions have a young Calvin Johnson, who I doubt they want to concern themselves with lessening his looks.
Furthermore, Owens will likely refuse to sign with any team who isn’t a Super Bowl contender or a player or two away from being one. This would eliminate the Texans, Jets, Bills, Saints, Rams, Jaguars, Browns, and Packers.
So this narrows our list to 7 lucky finalists: Patriots, Giants, Bears, Chargers, Falcons, Ravens, and Panthers.
1) Patriots:
Moss and T.O.?! Holy shit. Brady may throw 90 TDs. But could they share the spotlight? Doubtful. T.O. does seem like the kind of pick-up the Pats would take a flyer on, even though they don’t really have a need at WR. Even still, the addition of Owens would only make the Pats passing attack that much more indefensible… and they are good enough to win the SB just about every year of late.
Percentage of signing: 20%
2) Giants:
From a football standpoint, this would make a helluvalotta sense considering the pending legal problems of Plaxico Burress. T.O. would get his wish of playing on a SB contender and with a QB who can not only get him the ball, but is a proven winner as well. And if there’s a bigger stage than the Big Apple and playing for the New York football Giants, it is unbeknownst to me. Plus, what better way for the Giants to get a dig on their division foes?
Percentage of signing: 50%
3) Bears:
This would be an interesting option. The stage is certainly big enough. The team is certainly good enough. The need is there. But QB play may be an issue. Also, the Bears offense is much more conservatively operated, with a heavy dose of Matt Forte on a weekly basis, which may be unattractive to Owens.
Percentage of signing: 10%
4) Chargers:
This one is kind of mind bending. On the one hand, this would make a lot of football sense. Rivers really emerged last year as a top-tier NFL QB. The Chargers have several good receivers, but not one definitive playmaker at the position. They are built for now and ready to make a SB run. They throw the ball around a good deal, despite the presence of Ladanian Tomlinson and T.O. wants to play in an offense with other weapons. But, the front office’s issues with L.T. make you wonder how they would even dream of handling a player like T.O. This could be a perfect fit. Or something that blows up their face… quickly.
Percentage of signing: 45%
5) Falcons:
It’s tempting to eliminate the Falcons from the get go because of the presence of Roddy White (much like we did with the Lions). However, the two teams are in distinctly different situations. The Falcons made the playoffs last season (and played the SB runner-up damn close, we might add) and could potentially be a player or two away from being a legitimate threat. White and T.O. would make a dynamic duo on the outside. The Falcons are certainly looking to upgrade their offensive weapons. Ryan is a smart, young QB, who seems to be the heir apparent to the face of the league once the Mannings and Bradys of the world pass into history. The Falcons run a balanced offense, which may be a turn off to Owens, who wants the damn ball. Also, can he play with another receiver who is an equal to or greater than threat than he at this point in his career? Couple that with the relative obscurity of playing in Atlanta and the fact that we’ve only seen one season of Matt Ryan and this seems like an unlikely destination for Owens.
Percentage of signing: 12%
6) Ravens:
Ah ha, now here’s a team that makes sense. Owens was nearly traded to the Ravens several years ago, before inking with the Eagles. He has a friendship with Ray Lewis, who has the type of personality that could keep him in line (maybe?). They are a perennial playoff contender and while it may not be a massive market, it’s certainly not a small one either. Two glaring issues would be the Ravens ball-control offense and the uncertainty of a rookie QB. But hell, even as much as they run it, if they had Owens, he would be who they threw to. He’d get plenty of looks and touches and Flacco’s arm ranks up there among best in the league in terms of strength. This move makes a lot of sense. One I’d keep my eye on, for sure.
Percentage of signing: 60%
7) Panthers:
Pairing T.O. with Steve Smith would be downright scary. Honestly. Delhomme has taken this team to the Super Bowl, though his play of late wouldn’t be any indicator of that. But there’s a lot of reasons this move doesn’t make sense. For starters, the flip side of the two previously mentioned. Could he work with Steve Smith? Would he be confident Delhomme could get him the ball? Not to mention the run, run, run, run, run offense the Panthers like to run and the tough personality of head coach John Fox… really, this just doesn’t make sense.
Percentage of signing: 2%
There you have it. If we had to put our money on it today, I’d lay down a solid Benjamin on the Ravens. But I wouldn’t shut my eyes on the Giants… there could be something there. This saga should be an interesting one to unfold.

Just remember, this kid had a hell of a time

F**** My Life

Every so often movie-goers are treated to a performance so visceral and guttural you are unsure if you should celebrate the beauty or wince at the absolute desperation of what you’ve just seen.


Last year, Daniel Day Lewis’ staggering portrayal of Daniel Plainview in There Will be Blood, dragged viewers through the blackness of the oil business—leaving them perhaps uneasy with what they had seen, but certain of its brilliance.




A performance of that nature is hardly surprising from an actor of Day Lewis’ stature. The same cannot be said for this year’s victory, Mickey Rourke. If fact, there’s a good reason you are probably more familiar with his extracurricular activities than his body of work. Rourke is probably best known for his work in the 80’s, but he’s recently returned to Hollywood stardom with his performance of Marv in the Frank Miller hit Sin City.



Even still, critics would scarcely consider Rourke a dynamic actor. He’s been often typecast as a sort of hard ass, womanizing, drug abusing violence monger. Which makes him perfectly suitable for the role of Randy “The Ram” Robinson (his wrestling alter-ego). However, what may catch viewers off guard is the surprising tenderness of Robin Ramzinski (his real life name).


Director Darren Aronofsky and screenwriter Robert D. Siegel perfectly craft Ramzinski, juxtaposing his savage wrestler persona against his battered real life personality. As an aging former superstar, “The Ram”, performs for crowds which seem to only favor the novelty of his ex-victorious nature. He’s a broken down, beaten down version of his formerly Apollonic self. The abscessed aspect of the character is where Rourke makes his money in the film.


Though Ram is a character of many flaws—steroid abuser, family abandoner, drug abuser, etc.—you are drawn to look with favor upon him. At the heart, Aronofsky is weaving a tale about self absorption and perhaps the grave dangers of such self-destructive behaviors. Ram is obsessed with attention, whether positive or negative. Now in the waning days of his wrestling career, post a heart attack which has rendered him unable to boost or wrestle any longer, he no longer has an outlet to achieve the interest he once did. So he seeks to reconnect to his daughter, Stephanie. However noble his intentions, it becomes apparent they are marred by his obvious hamartia. His quest to be reunited with Stephanie is only an exercise in vainglory—he wants only to restore his self worth through a new form of attention. Simultaneously he is attempting to begin a relationship with his stripper friend Cassidy (stage name)… which ultimately operates as a manifestation of another attempt to gain self worth.


Aronofsky illustrates this point beautifully in a subtle manner when Ram is forced to take a full-time job behind a deli counter. After beautifully framing his first day with a “triumphant” march down the tunnel utilizing diegetic sound within the tunnel and fading into non-diegetic fan cheering, Ram arrives behind the counter a bit bamboozled by where he’s arrived. This isn’t the wrestling ring he’s marching to any longer; he’s a simple deli clerk now. After realizing the mundanity of his situation, Ram begins to adapt his bigger than life personality in the way he takes order and handles customers. Soon, however, his flair loses its mystique and he’s once again just another guy behind the counter. At this point, Ram does something drastic to once again win favor. (If you haven’t seen the film, ignore the rest of this paragraph.) Ram jams his thumb into the meat grinder causing copious amounts of blood loss, which he proceeds to smear upon his apron and face. He runs out of the grocery store screaming “I quit!” “I’m done!” Here Aronofsky most overtly expresses the Ram’s festering need for attention.


Rourke’s performance commands the type of attention and applause it is receiving. The film is quite excellent, largely because of the way he is able to manipulate the audience into believing he is perhaps a noble-hearted lost soul searching only for the people’s elbow… of appreciation.

Sources have confirmed with CarbonStated.com that 14-time Olympic Gold Medal winner Michael Phelps was diagnosed with “closed angle” glaucoma just days after his dramatic Olympic performance. Doctors say that Phelps’ memorable race when water poured into his goggles may have caused enough stress to the surface of his eye ball to induce intraocular pressure, a significant risk factor for glaucoma. The condition worsened over the next several days and Phelps was officially diagnosed after their final gold medal race. He refused medical treatment until that point, despite complaining of severe “[eye]ball pain.” Sources say Phelps was secretly disgusted at the near nonstop NBC love fest with his face and felt his “[eye]ball pain” would only worsen the situation.




Since the Olympics, Phelps has adopted a rigorous and methodical Cannabisian treatment, which includes up to and often over 8 oz. of marijuana a day. Naturally, Phelps’ Kobayashi-like appetite has increased ten fold. He now consumes twice that of which NBC depicted during the Summer Games.


Doctors have specifically prescribed “Acapulco gold” as Phelps’ herbal treatment. When evidence surfaced earlier this week of Phelps undergoing treatment on a medical device commonly known as a “bong,” rumors quickly shot around regarding Phelps’ recreational activities. Chaz Heckleman, a 22-year-old who attended the party, said Phelps was not “gratuitous in his usage” and clearly explained to all in attendance that this was “FOR [HIS] [EYE]BALLS!”


Phelps has identified his dealer as one, Dr. Markus B. Jassole.


Special Commentary


Does America really care if Michael Phelps smokes weed? I say no. Why?



Because it doesn’t matter if you like grass, if you can swim damn fast. It doesn’t matter if you toke, when you got a kick ass breast stroke. No one cares if you are blazing a blunt… if you are blazing a trail of Olympic history with it. No one cares if you are smoking a j, if you’re smoking the competition also. So you like to French inhale? Doesn’t matter as long as you keep making the French fail.


Fact is, in America, we honor winners. No one cared that Mike Tyson was crazy, until he started to suck. No one cared that Troy Aikman was gay, until he got 42 concussions. No one cared that Santonio Holmes dealt weed, and he was Super Bowl MVP. Everybody loves Barry Bonds, even though he’s a spousal abuser. Everyone think MJ’s the best, and he’s got a gambling problem. Hell, no one said anything about Magic using his HIV to beat Larry.


The world counts on winners. In America, all that matters is winning. Our former President is a prime example of this. Who cares how you got there… you won.

Frankly, I’m tired of the nonstop discussions concerning the legality, morality, technicality and mentality of this Olympic great. Mr. Phelps is a winner, America, leave him alone.

We here at Carbon Stated would be remiss if we neglected to mention the universally decreed best sports event of the year. That's right, it's Super Bowl time. Here's 10 essentials to ensuring you will be the smartest guy at your Super Bowl party.



1) Become fluent with each team's roster.

Sure, any old joe can name Ben Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner. But you can stop the party by dropping your knowledge of Karlos Dansby and Chike Okeafor. Claim they were underrated all year and really deserved Pro Bowl spots. Everyone will surely think you are "in the know."

2) Study some wikipedia pages.

Be the cool guy that can drop the little known nugget that Larry Fitz was a ball boy for the Minnesota Vikings. You'll turn some heads.

3) Research rumored commercials

You'll win early favor by mentioning a commercial you have "read all about". When it's a hit, you're in the money. If it's a dud, mention how they really f'd the end game.

4) Memorize the last 7 Super Bowl winners

Inevitably this question will arise at some point in the evening. If you can be the handy football encyclopedia with victors, losers and a true sensei with scores, people will defer to you for the rest of the evening.

5) Hindsight is 20/20

After the game, declare the winner to be the team you called after pre-season week 1. Some grandiose embellishment may be involved.

6) Arm chair coach

Always second guess bad coaching moves with your expert suggestions. If you are lucky enough for those things to work later in the game, you are on your way to Super Bowl party stardom.

7) Beat the announcers to the punch

Go for generic statements that the announcers are likely to make... just moments before they do. When the announcer mutters similar words, you'll be lauded for being ahead of them and people will speculate of your chances to be a top flight NFL announcer.

8) Make fun of John Madden

Frankly, no one likes John Madden. The more you make fun, the bigger hit you will be. (Warning: Try not to return to the well too often. Repeated jokes are still bad jokes.)

9) Propose wild future hypotheticals.

These always garner discussion. "Big Ben: Most clutch QB ever?" "Warner: Best story ever?" "Larry Fitz: Better than Jerry Rice?" "Edgerrin James: NFL MVP next season?"

10) Make your friends rewind to something you "saw".


Finally, this is kind of your ace in the hole. Pay attention to aspects of the game other normally wouldn't. Like the offensive line. When you see a huge play, take notice of a holding. At the opportune time, drop this on those involved and you will be an instant success. For the next 20 years people will remember how the Cardinals should have had 7 fewer points because there was a blatant missed holding call on Levi Brown at the bottom of the screen that allowed Warner just enough time to throw it up to Larry FitzBoldin.


There you have it. You will either a) Be the Super Bowl party hit, or b) Be that jack ass that never gets invited back again. Check in next year and let us know..

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Oscar nominations dropped last week, so let's take a brief but all-encompassing look at the awards that anyone really actually cares about.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

This one barely makes the cut, because most people don't even really care about best actress (or the fact that Meryl Streep is the winningest nominee ever, any gender). But with a female Secretary of State it's only fitting we pay homage to the ladies.

Of the 5 nominees I've seen a grand total of 0 minutes of any one of the four films the actresses have been nominated from. Judging by history, movies with 2 actresses nominated in this same category typically don't win. So this is not the year for Amy Adams or Viola Davis. This award rarely goes to that out of nowhere sensation, so that more or less rules out Taraji P. Henson.

So that leaves us with Marisa Tomei and Penelope Cruz. Due to the fact that The Wrestler is hitting buzz stage right now... I'm going with Tomei.

My prediction: Marisa Tomei

Actor in a Supporting Role:

This category has a major fastball in Robert Downey Jr. Everyone knows the Academy takes themselves super seriously, and the inclusion of a strictly comedy performance rarely, if ever graces the noms. In fact, the last true comedy to have an actor nominated was City Slickers, and somehow Jack Palance won.

In this case, I've seen each film except the aforementioned Doubt. Michael Shannon doesn't have enough screen time to earn the nod. Brolin was solid, as always, but nothing really screamed award about his performance. I can't speak for Hoffman, though he's always good. Between the final two of Ledger and Downey Jr. I think the academy follows suit with the Golden Globes and Heath wins the award.

My Prediction: Heath Ledger

Actress in a Leading Role:

This award is such a mixed bag. Of late it seems to be rewarding a fast rising star (mostly): Marion Cotillard, Reese Witherspoon, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry. Anne Hathaway and Melissa Leo both fit this mold, unfortunately neither star in films that enough people will see to really garner them recognition. Streep is there... always will be. Though she's been nominated several times, I don't think anyone takes Angelina Jolie seriously as an actress... I've yet to be proven wrong.

Interestingly that leaves us with Kate Winslet, who won the Golden Globe for best actress... but for a different performance.

My Prediction: Kate Winslet

Actor in a Leading Role:

No explanation necessary. Mickey Rourke. Role of a lifetime. Crazy ass story. He's gonna win.

My Prediction: Mickey Rourke


Best Director:

I like the mixed bag of candidates for this award. All have done some truly fantastic work and all are really distinctly different types of directors. Van Sant typically sticks to more obscure, smaller budget films. Howard on the other hand is the king of the realist blockbuster. Fincher is known for his tales of corrupted humanity. Boyle is all over the map genre-wise. Daldry excels in the serious, moral dramas with sexual undertones.

In this case, Slumdog is just carrying too much momentum to be denied.

My Prediction: Danny Boyle

Best Picture:

Coincidentally, the 5 Best Pictures are the films from the 5 Best Directors. I will save my extended praise for my prediction for a later date, but as I previously mentioned, I have a hard time imagining that Slumdog will do any less than complete it's mercurial rise with the illustrious Best Picture award.

My Prediction: Slumdog Millionaire

Beyond the simple entertainment of sport and the ritualistic following sports fans upkeep on a week-to-week basis, there is another, perhaps greater, aspect that we can't help either love/hate. These would be the oft-errantly mesmerizing concoctions of such bombastic qualities we fans can't help but snicker (or gasp, depending on the ridiculousness).

So let's take a moment to review some of the best sports quotes of 2008 (in no particular order).

1) "The coaching staff is in place."

-Jerral "Jerry" Jones, Owner, Dallas Cowboys

There's really no way to describe this masterpiece other that to say watch this.

The great humor of the whole ordeal lies squarely in the astounding ass beating the Cowboys received just days later. If Jerry seemed flabbergasted here, I can't imagine his reaction during that massacre.

2) "Michelle, you look good tonight girl... you lookin' good."

-Kevin Garnett, Power Forward, NBA Champion Boston Celtics

So let me get this straight, after 13 years of playing with a mostly inept Timberwolves squad, KG finally ends up on a star-studded winner which just so happens to be one of the most storied franchises in NBA history, and standing proud as a victorious champion with Queen blaring in the background, he has time to notice and comment on how Michelle Tafoya looks? Oh well, not even that can top Joe Willie Namath.

3) "Lebron James! With no regard for human life!"

-Kevin Harlan, NBA Play-by-play commentator, TNT

This little gem was dropped in our laps after an audacious dunkification by King James himself. Apparently, being able to blow by defenders in a pair of high tops and soar above the rim before stuffing a round, inflated piece of leather into a metal hoop with a small sheer curtain dangling from it now couples you with such geniuses of malevolence as Adolph Hitler, Ted Bundy, Osama Bin Laden, and the Bush formerly known as President.

4) "First of all, I want to thank Tiger for not being here. That always makes things a little bit easier."

-Sergio Garcia, PGA Golfer

Is it any wonder why Tiger Woods wins everything? The other golfers are obviously terrified of the man. Garcia, here quoted after winning the Players Championship, is simply thrilled at the notion that Tiger is nowhere to be seen.

Hey Serg, if you don't want Tiger on tour, go Shane Stant on his ass and hope you don't whale up like Tonya Harding.

5) "If you don’t, OK. If you do, OK. Then you’re really a great player. If you don’t, you’re just a solid, good player, and I’ll have to deal with that, not you guys. That’s just part of the job."

-Tony Romo, Starting QB, Dallas Cowboys

As a stand alone this quote means nothing. In context it's a brilliant illustration of why exactly Romo becomes Blowmo when it matters most. This would be TR's response to the importance of winning. Sure, he's got a balanced perception of the world and it's nice to know he's not going on a suicidal binge drinking fest following the season. But you just don't say this. Especially not after you just played terrible on the way to getting your ass kicked right out of the playoffs... and you were pre-season Superbowl favorites.


In the end there's probably 50 more that deserve mention. 2009 should be even better... I can't wait for Rickey Henderson's Hall of Fame acceptance speech...