CarbonStated

We here at Carbon Stated would be remiss if we neglected to mention the universally decreed best sports event of the year. That's right, it's Super Bowl time. Here's 10 essentials to ensuring you will be the smartest guy at your Super Bowl party.



1) Become fluent with each team's roster.

Sure, any old joe can name Ben Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner. But you can stop the party by dropping your knowledge of Karlos Dansby and Chike Okeafor. Claim they were underrated all year and really deserved Pro Bowl spots. Everyone will surely think you are "in the know."

2) Study some wikipedia pages.

Be the cool guy that can drop the little known nugget that Larry Fitz was a ball boy for the Minnesota Vikings. You'll turn some heads.

3) Research rumored commercials

You'll win early favor by mentioning a commercial you have "read all about". When it's a hit, you're in the money. If it's a dud, mention how they really f'd the end game.

4) Memorize the last 7 Super Bowl winners

Inevitably this question will arise at some point in the evening. If you can be the handy football encyclopedia with victors, losers and a true sensei with scores, people will defer to you for the rest of the evening.

5) Hindsight is 20/20

After the game, declare the winner to be the team you called after pre-season week 1. Some grandiose embellishment may be involved.

6) Arm chair coach

Always second guess bad coaching moves with your expert suggestions. If you are lucky enough for those things to work later in the game, you are on your way to Super Bowl party stardom.

7) Beat the announcers to the punch

Go for generic statements that the announcers are likely to make... just moments before they do. When the announcer mutters similar words, you'll be lauded for being ahead of them and people will speculate of your chances to be a top flight NFL announcer.

8) Make fun of John Madden

Frankly, no one likes John Madden. The more you make fun, the bigger hit you will be. (Warning: Try not to return to the well too often. Repeated jokes are still bad jokes.)

9) Propose wild future hypotheticals.

These always garner discussion. "Big Ben: Most clutch QB ever?" "Warner: Best story ever?" "Larry Fitz: Better than Jerry Rice?" "Edgerrin James: NFL MVP next season?"

10) Make your friends rewind to something you "saw".


Finally, this is kind of your ace in the hole. Pay attention to aspects of the game other normally wouldn't. Like the offensive line. When you see a huge play, take notice of a holding. At the opportune time, drop this on those involved and you will be an instant success. For the next 20 years people will remember how the Cardinals should have had 7 fewer points because there was a blatant missed holding call on Levi Brown at the bottom of the screen that allowed Warner just enough time to throw it up to Larry FitzBoldin.


There you have it. You will either a) Be the Super Bowl party hit, or b) Be that jack ass that never gets invited back again. Check in next year and let us know..