CarbonStated

Sources have confirmed with CarbonStated.com that 14-time Olympic Gold Medal winner Michael Phelps was diagnosed with “closed angle” glaucoma just days after his dramatic Olympic performance. Doctors say that Phelps’ memorable race when water poured into his goggles may have caused enough stress to the surface of his eye ball to induce intraocular pressure, a significant risk factor for glaucoma. The condition worsened over the next several days and Phelps was officially diagnosed after their final gold medal race. He refused medical treatment until that point, despite complaining of severe “[eye]ball pain.” Sources say Phelps was secretly disgusted at the near nonstop NBC love fest with his face and felt his “[eye]ball pain” would only worsen the situation.




Since the Olympics, Phelps has adopted a rigorous and methodical Cannabisian treatment, which includes up to and often over 8 oz. of marijuana a day. Naturally, Phelps’ Kobayashi-like appetite has increased ten fold. He now consumes twice that of which NBC depicted during the Summer Games.


Doctors have specifically prescribed “Acapulco gold” as Phelps’ herbal treatment. When evidence surfaced earlier this week of Phelps undergoing treatment on a medical device commonly known as a “bong,” rumors quickly shot around regarding Phelps’ recreational activities. Chaz Heckleman, a 22-year-old who attended the party, said Phelps was not “gratuitous in his usage” and clearly explained to all in attendance that this was “FOR [HIS] [EYE]BALLS!”


Phelps has identified his dealer as one, Dr. Markus B. Jassole.


Special Commentary


Does America really care if Michael Phelps smokes weed? I say no. Why?



Because it doesn’t matter if you like grass, if you can swim damn fast. It doesn’t matter if you toke, when you got a kick ass breast stroke. No one cares if you are blazing a blunt… if you are blazing a trail of Olympic history with it. No one cares if you are smoking a j, if you’re smoking the competition also. So you like to French inhale? Doesn’t matter as long as you keep making the French fail.


Fact is, in America, we honor winners. No one cared that Mike Tyson was crazy, until he started to suck. No one cared that Troy Aikman was gay, until he got 42 concussions. No one cared that Santonio Holmes dealt weed, and he was Super Bowl MVP. Everybody loves Barry Bonds, even though he’s a spousal abuser. Everyone think MJ’s the best, and he’s got a gambling problem. Hell, no one said anything about Magic using his HIV to beat Larry.


The world counts on winners. In America, all that matters is winning. Our former President is a prime example of this. Who cares how you got there… you won.

Frankly, I’m tired of the nonstop discussions concerning the legality, morality, technicality and mentality of this Olympic great. Mr. Phelps is a winner, America, leave him alone.